College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
You Might Also Like
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?