Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
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For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
OKAY DAD
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.