I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
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Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
my proudest tweet
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
it be like that
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
LMAO.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*