Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
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ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.