I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
How about daylight saves us for once
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting