[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
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[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.