The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
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My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Finished stitching this today 😇
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
i’m sure it’s fine
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.