How dramatic are you?
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CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Worst perfume name ever.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
You are not alone 💚
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
best first i’ve ever seen
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?