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I’d love this before and after shot…lol
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”