Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
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First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Happy Febuary everyone!
The French word for sex is croissant.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.