I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
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HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Where is your GOD now????
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
It’s an epidemic…
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”