Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
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Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-