When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
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[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
incredible book dedication
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.