Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
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Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?