Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
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me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.