My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
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MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Brother?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it