*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
You Might Also Like
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?