These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
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I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously