24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
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The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Getting married soon just need a spouse
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.