Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
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MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied