A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
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The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Elton John: 馃幍Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday馃幍
Me: Jesus Christ, we鈥檙e just going bowling.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 馃槶
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
God: i鈥檓 sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can鈥檛 do it.
Butterfly: don鈥檛 I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn鈥檛 make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off