Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
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me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Sticker placement is key.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]