Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
me doing my best
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball