Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
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Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well