If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
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Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.