“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
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bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
podcasts
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now