Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
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I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
December birthdays be like…
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
wish me luck lads
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’