Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
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Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Sounds like a bargain
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex