When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
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Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”