How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
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If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
subtitles are so good nowadays
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea