What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
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”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.