Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
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Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.