One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
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(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.