Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
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ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.