[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
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sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.