Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
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my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.