oh you like road-trips? name every road then
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Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.