I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
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An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.