A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
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ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Lmao the reply
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I’m not proud
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
estão todos miauvindo?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.