Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
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me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]