A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
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Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.