My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
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“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Print is alive and well!!!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Oh my God.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?