{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
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Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.