Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
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Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.