The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
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It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.