[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.