Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
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Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”