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I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Lmaoo 😂
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.