A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
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The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying