Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
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So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.